Seamus McPeake's Irish Pub, Melbourne, Australia - Review
I had heard the rumours, "the luck of the Irish" they had told me. "Finding that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow" old hands had said. It wasn't until my first journey to Melbourne East's oddly positioned Seamus McPeakes' Irish Pub that I realised the true meaning of the fables my predecessors had forewarned.
I face initial disbelief at the line up to such a small venue which, despite the name, is treated as the favourite local night club by the youth of Knox and surrounds, and my suspicions are beginning to rise. "What luck?". 20 minutes, and 10 wolf whistle fuelled jeers from the (mostly male ) crowd later, I suddenly realise what this so called "luck" was in reference to. A swarm of relief overcomes me. Thank God I didn't wear my shortest skirt.
Upon entrance into Seamus McPeake's Irish Pub, more endearingly known as 'The Irish' by regular attendees, I find that not all revelations make me want to remove my heels, launching into a stiletto-stab self defence against potential predators. Instead I am met with pleasant surprise. For a venue which is hidden in an outside restaurant/bistro area of the nearby Knox City shopping centre, The Irish's innards present themselves with the life of a club you might expect only to find in Melbourne's CBD.
Both young Barbies and old bogans are seen lining up and paying the small entry fee of $5 to get their shot at that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow on any given night of the week, the most popular nights being Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. It seems that the Irish folk know not of such restrictions as "school nights."
Dark wooden interiors draped with large golden framed artwork juxtapose the young, hot, sweaty (and at times bald and aging) bodies which quickly fill a packed, quaint dance floor. The lighting is low, adding to the dungeon like atmosphere. A man with a ponytail serves me my first drink, and if Lady Gaga wasn't being played and I hadn't just escaped my second arse grab, I would feel a definite urge to draw a scar on my forehead and pretend I'm on my way to potions class.
Drink prices are relatively cheap, as you would expect for a Melbourne bar, which is certain to have you paying a large amount in taxi fee's due to it's disconnected location. Unlike the smorgasbord of boys and men, there aren't as many choices in alcohol - and it's best to play it safe with a beer. A mention of a cocktail turns me red-faced and feeling foreign.
Towards the back of the venue a small amount of boothed areas provide seating space for those who've danced their darn hearts out, fiddley-dee. Every booth also seems to provide a peep show of two leprechauns who have found that gold at the end of the rainbow.
Considering the size of the venue, the bathrooms are large - the Irish are a generous sort after all. The stained glass entrance door provides a preview of a screaming, goon guzzling girl standing under the hand dryer with her top off attempting to dry that Raspberry Cruiser stain. I avoid chest-eye contact and head for the nearest cubicle.
The outdoor smokers area, positioned towards the very front of Seamus McPeake's packs hundreds of men like cattle, with a squeeze and a smile getting me my very own seat under the stars. A push and a shove from the nearest fake-titted cow brings me back down to earth, with a spill of her drink across my crotch marking the end to a night of Irish luck. Until next time.
About the Author
By Sophie Lane for Sydney Bars, Perth Bars and Brisbane Bars
Very funny Irish dancing leprechaun
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